Friday night

It's 7:04 Friday night and I'm home all alone. Something like this would have drove me insane in the past, today I have so much homework to do that I'm ok with this peace and quiet. I just got off the phone with Herb, we had some excellent laughs! That man can be so funny sometimes, we were chatting about him buying a house and moving it to his new property, somehow it came to be that he's just going to have a hole dug and live in a hole in the ground! I am laughing still, everything that I posed to be a potential problem with this type of a living arrangement, he had an answer for! I asked what about light? I love natural light and if I'm going to be moving once I'm done with being educated, I couldn't live in a hole in the ground! He said that the whole ceiling could be skylights, I asked him what if someone fell through our roof! His response was to have the whole roof fenced off to prevent this from happening. Next I asked him what about winter, the snow would cover our roof and we couldn't see anything and no light could come through, he's going to get a new kind of snowblower and keep it clear.... this went back and forth for quite some time.... too funny!

I posted a photo today in my Project 365 of a bookmark I have, one that Michelle made for me when she was young. I had this bookmark in my English text, my favorite subject, and when I turned over the bookmark in class today and read what Michelle had written, I almost started to cry, this is how touched I was by this particular incident. Life is full of all sorts of surprises, I've seen my bookmark a lot, I never really looked deeper than the paint of the front if it, yes it's been very special because my daughter made it, yet today it was like I needed to hear what I read.

This reminds me of the day I texted her out of the blue, all the text said was "I love you." I never knew that she had just broken up with her boyfriend, she later told me this and she told me that she really needed to hear that at this particular time. Mother - daughter intuition? I don't know but there is a bond that is very deep, even though we were seperated for a few years as she was growing up, we still have that special bond. I am a blessed lady today!

Shayne made a comment on my photo and journaling last night, he too touched a part of me. Shayne told me how proud he is of me and all that I am doing! Another, as I like to call them, Hallmark moment, a moment that touches one deeply!

I too am extremely proud of my children, all three of them are wonderful and each one of them holds a special spot in my heart. I am so blessed that all three of them turned out as well as they did, I never was the perfect mother, although I did try to show them how much I loved them. Now there's a heck of an idea for a novel, How not to raise a child, get a bunch of single mothers with grown children all together and see where we all feel we could have been a better role model, to work or not to work, compare and contrast what worked and what didn't. Of course each case is individual yet I'm sure that there would be a lot of common ground... hmm I'll keep this one in mind!

Speaking of writing, this morning I was up an hour earlier than normal. I didn't know why until I came to my computer and started writing. I was working on an assignment that takes us through our lives, the question I was responding to was "Describe yourself in terms of your gender? Race? Ethnicity? Socio-economic class? Religion? Age group?" I know that's one question and I have thirteen like this, heck I'm going to have a book written for this one! Anyways I was writing about religion, I went back to when we lived with missionaries while Mom was away at Bible school, I wrote about how poor we were and I kept on digging. I found myself sitting here, if a paper would have been in front of me like in the old days, the paper would have had tears on it. I was missing Mom very much this morning, when I start to dig deep into my life I really get to missing her, she sure was one special lady that too went through her own personal "stuff." I am going to leave it at this.

Just for today, I'd best get after some of this homework, Herb might be able to make it to the city for a visit tomorrow after he's done working and I don't want to have to spend the time he's here studying..... like I would anyways! :-)

So, ya this is my Friday night and I am grateful for this evening!

Just another manic Monday ... where did that come from? lol

I had such a great weekend, Herb came to spend the evening with me on Friday, Saturday I worked at 7am and even though it was crazy making busy I still had a great time, I love my job! Sunday seen me not wanting to go to my meeting, yet I went just the same, I was having a very selfish moment. I was only thinking of myself, my homework, and my shopping that needed to get done, yet at the last minute I remembered that this is not all about me.

Sometimes we all have something to say in life that just might affect another individual, sharing is one very important aspect of my recovery and it's not what I do only for myself, it's in giving back that I feel much better with who I am, what I represent and it helps me to be the person that I've always strived to be within my life.

I was chatting with a fellow student the other day at school, she is 40 years old, in my age bracket sort of! I made a comment that really lightened her mood, I told her that I love being the age that I am today, I have new freedoms within my life and one of the best places to be within my life is that I now have 'life experience' which gives me 'wisdom' yet I can choose to use this wisdom or just to ignore it and do the irresponsible thing and get away with it! :-) This is what life is.. choices and for me it's how I go about making the choices that I do in my life that is making an immense difference!

Right now I am choosing to sit here and write while I have a ton of work to get after, I think about three chapters to read, it could be more I'm not sure, and I want to make my own notes on all that I read. I am choosing to procrastinate for a bit, post my Project 365 and say whatever it is that I choose to say. My writing is so restricted these days, all I do mostly is write for school, some topics I love to write on whereas others I write just to put out there whatever it is that the instructors are looking for.

What we are looking for in life, now there's an interesting topic to write on! Today I am looking for and have found peace and serenity, I was seeking love and approval and today I have this within my life as well. I am so shocked that me and Herb are back together and I love him more today than I ever have. Life is funny, we never know what is just around the corner and I guess it's true what is said, when a person stops looking for something it just happens.

I now see that I remained single for the better part of this past three years, I believe that God had better plans for me in my life than I might have chosen! It works this way, I turn my will over to the loving care of God and my life runs so smoothly, I know when I've taken my will back through.... rocky roads lie before me. Today I am choosing to try to turn my will over to God, then I will see what happens next, to date God has not let me down, it was me who let God down with my poor choices.

So just for today, I will not pick up another drink, I will get after my homework while I have peace and quiet in my house and I will have an excellent day, one that is a gift directly from God himself.

Raising someone else's child

I have Cheryl here with me, my thirteen year old niece, and as challanging as this can be I am having quite the experiences with this. Yesterday I noticed that when Derek was with us, Cheryl was seeking attention. She talked nonstop, interupped my conversations with my son quite often yet she was only wanting to partake in conversation. I see that she is lonely, I'm going to try to have to find a bit more time to spend some quality time with her. I'm here, but that's just it, I'm here. I am working on homework, resting, talking on the phone or I'm on my comp.

At least since Cheryl has come home after the holidays we both seem to have more tolerance, I am thinking that she knows not to push me too far as she was in the past. I'm quite sure that me calling the police and emergency child services had it's part in this change of attitude. She is also very happy that her Mom is not drinking, something that I am so proud of my sister for doing! Maybe while Cheryl was away on holidays she relized that it's not that bad living with me here, I don't know what is causing the changes but I do know that I love the fact that we haven't had a huge blow since she's been home, almost two weeks now. One day at a time!

Now that I have this awareness, I am going to have to attempt to make a conscious effort to give the girl what she needs, love and attention. How I am going to juggle my busy schedule, I'm not too sure quite yet but as they say, where there's a will there's a way.

Maybe tonight, if I am done all of my reading, she can make some jam! I am going to have to get this huge pail of honey canned one of these fine days, hopefully before the weekend so that I can give it to my sister and as I am doing this Cheryl can be busy with the jam making process. We could use some good homemade jam, not too sweet though. Even Cheryl agreed that the jam her and her Mom bought at the farmers market was too sweet.

Today, I'd best get after reading the necessary assigned texts, first off I would like to get through the one on oppression, do the chapter at least and make some sense of it. I would also like to ride my exercise bike for at least 20 mins. today, maybe do both at the same time and kill two birds with one stone!

Addiction... what more is there to say about it?

This photo was taken of me in December of 2005.


My heart sure goes out to one particular friend tonight. She had been clean and sober for almost two years unfortunately she's been going back out and using for the past few months now. Tonight I talked with her, she's clean right now but hasn't slept in four days! It's hard to fathom going back to something that wants to kill you, the drugs and alcohol steal your heart and soul, not to mention one's physical health.

I think that tonight I'm going to post what I looked like three years ago as a reminder to myself exactly where I came from. I know where I'm at in life today and it's easy to lose sight of the past, so many do.

The first thing that I hear in the rooms of AA from people that keep going back out using or that have been out drinking is that they've quit going to meetings. Today I listen to others experiences, I am not going to quit my meetings, as my friend did, I don't want to know what might happen. I don't know if I'm going to be going to meetings for the rest of my natural life, does this matter to me right now? Hell no, I'm here today feeling great physically, mentally I'm good or at least I like to think I am :-) , emotionally I know where I stand, spiritually I feel in tune so just for tonight I am going to thank my Creator for my blessings and for my sobriety. I will also keep my friend in my prayers and call her tomorrow, hopefully she will have been able to sleep.

And this is me today

December 2008

This is me, I have severe cirrhosis. In 2005 I had kidney failure, congestive heart failure, my gastrointestinal tract was bleeding, I was severely jaundiced, there were a few other things wrong with me back then, so much happened that I don't recall it all. It wasn't until I was in a ladies recovery house in 2006 that I became aware I had been in palliative care, all of this was 100% alcohol related. Today I have three years clean and sober and I love my new life and my choices today.

Life lessons

January 9, 2009

Memories... this picture I was barely 16 years old, swinging with my new baby in the park. I was still a child with a child of my own, very uncertain where life might take us.

Last night I was burning the midnight oil writing a compare and contrast essay which required two sources other than the two novels that I chose to write on. The topic touched my deeply, I wrote about low self esteem, how this leads to abuse in one way or another and how society views spousal abuse. I know first hand how it feels to be the victim of abuse.

The first relationship I was ever in at a very young age was with a man who was 5 years older than I was, he was 18, I was 13. As I reflect back on this period in my life I realize today that all I was seeking was love and approval, I looked for it in all the wrong places and I found a man who was a very sick individual. I was too young to even know how women were to be treated, I never had a male role model in my life as my Dad died when I was a mere babe, I was 4 1/2 years old, being raised in an all female environment was the only world I knew. I have three wonderful sisters, I am third in line and my mother raised us girls by herself.

As I was dating this man who was five years my senior he became extremely abusive, he abused me in every way imaginable. I was led to believe that I was worthless, useless and nothing more than a speck of dirt on the floor. I allowed him to control every aspect of my life, he had instilled fear in me, I was extremely terrified that he would make good on his threat and kill me if I ever did leave him. I was robbed of my dignity and my pride. I thought that I loved this man and that I could help him, his apologies were short lived by yet another broken promise or a broken bone, my emotions were shattered as well as my self esteem.

The only way I could ever leave this man was to take my son and disappear, leave the small town that I knew as home. I packed two garbage bags full of clothes, one and a half for my small child and the other half of the bag carried all that I could manage to sneak out of the house for myself. I thank God to this day that I had a sister who took me and my child in until I could find work and begin to build up my cash flow and move into my own space. Times were tough, life was hard yet I had my child to love so I didn't feel so alone.

It has taken me many years to realize just how damaged I was because of the abuse that I had endured, my spirit was stolen from me by the time I was 15 years old. I was losing sight of any dreams I once had. I went into survival mode and became a bit stronger with each passing day.

Today after much therapy and many life experiences I finally feel free, free from the chains that tied me down for many years. I never realized how badly I had been damaged at such a young age, today I have forgiven this man which now allows my heart and my spirit to love freely once again.

All of these memories have come to surface as I read the novel Cherry by Chandra Mayor, I know what the narrator endured throughout her abusive relationship, I can relate to how this young girl only wanted to be loved and I know the freeing feeling she felt as she boarded the bus to leave her abuser and her sick, dysfunctional world behind.

There is help, hope and freedom waiting for anyone who has ever experienced abuse, or still does. There is hope also for anyone with addiction issues, as years passed after my horrifying first love experience, other life events happened and I didn't have the coping mechanisms that some are blessed enough to have in their lives, I turned to alcohol until alcohol turned on me. I have three years clean and sober today and I am studying in the field of social work, a field that will be extremely challenging yet so rewarding. Today is the first day of the rest of my life!

This is Life Today

Today I am starting a brand new year with a very positive attitude! Life is great, I have made it through my first semester of the social work program with my goal in sight, I want to obtain a degree in social work and today I feel that I can do this.
Christmas for me this year was absolutely fantastic, I had one of the best Christmas's ever! I got to see all of my sisters, I spent a day with my children, I worked extra shifts, last night for New Years Eve I was with my niece at a sober dance and what a great time this was! I was in bed at about 3:30 and still up at 7:00 a.m. I did a few things around the house, woke Cheryl up at 10:30 and I headed down to the Alano Club around noon. I had a great visit with some awesome people, I gave one lady that I know a ride to Safeway and now am finally home where it is nice and warm. Herb is coming over tonight sometime and I am going to cook us a fantastic meal.
What a beautifel day even if it is -22 right now, the sun is still shining inside of me, I feel so positive that this year will hold great things for me!