Life lessons

January 9, 2009

Memories... this picture I was barely 16 years old, swinging with my new baby in the park. I was still a child with a child of my own, very uncertain where life might take us.

Last night I was burning the midnight oil writing a compare and contrast essay which required two sources other than the two novels that I chose to write on. The topic touched my deeply, I wrote about low self esteem, how this leads to abuse in one way or another and how society views spousal abuse. I know first hand how it feels to be the victim of abuse.

The first relationship I was ever in at a very young age was with a man who was 5 years older than I was, he was 18, I was 13. As I reflect back on this period in my life I realize today that all I was seeking was love and approval, I looked for it in all the wrong places and I found a man who was a very sick individual. I was too young to even know how women were to be treated, I never had a male role model in my life as my Dad died when I was a mere babe, I was 4 1/2 years old, being raised in an all female environment was the only world I knew. I have three wonderful sisters, I am third in line and my mother raised us girls by herself.

As I was dating this man who was five years my senior he became extremely abusive, he abused me in every way imaginable. I was led to believe that I was worthless, useless and nothing more than a speck of dirt on the floor. I allowed him to control every aspect of my life, he had instilled fear in me, I was extremely terrified that he would make good on his threat and kill me if I ever did leave him. I was robbed of my dignity and my pride. I thought that I loved this man and that I could help him, his apologies were short lived by yet another broken promise or a broken bone, my emotions were shattered as well as my self esteem.

The only way I could ever leave this man was to take my son and disappear, leave the small town that I knew as home. I packed two garbage bags full of clothes, one and a half for my small child and the other half of the bag carried all that I could manage to sneak out of the house for myself. I thank God to this day that I had a sister who took me and my child in until I could find work and begin to build up my cash flow and move into my own space. Times were tough, life was hard yet I had my child to love so I didn't feel so alone.

It has taken me many years to realize just how damaged I was because of the abuse that I had endured, my spirit was stolen from me by the time I was 15 years old. I was losing sight of any dreams I once had. I went into survival mode and became a bit stronger with each passing day.

Today after much therapy and many life experiences I finally feel free, free from the chains that tied me down for many years. I never realized how badly I had been damaged at such a young age, today I have forgiven this man which now allows my heart and my spirit to love freely once again.

All of these memories have come to surface as I read the novel Cherry by Chandra Mayor, I know what the narrator endured throughout her abusive relationship, I can relate to how this young girl only wanted to be loved and I know the freeing feeling she felt as she boarded the bus to leave her abuser and her sick, dysfunctional world behind.

There is help, hope and freedom waiting for anyone who has ever experienced abuse, or still does. There is hope also for anyone with addiction issues, as years passed after my horrifying first love experience, other life events happened and I didn't have the coping mechanisms that some are blessed enough to have in their lives, I turned to alcohol until alcohol turned on me. I have three years clean and sober today and I am studying in the field of social work, a field that will be extremely challenging yet so rewarding. Today is the first day of the rest of my life!